my tears are anathema here

i’m trying not to falter, trying not to quit. i keep heading towards the future, toward a horizon that never ends. there’s a persistent, nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that if i would just quit, i would be happier. but i know that’s a lie. that happiness is at the end of the neverending horizon, and i just have to trust that i will make it. it seems futile, but i just have to keep going. i don’t know what i would do, if i didn’t keep going.

people are so desperate, so animalistic in their desires and drives. i wish i could stand apart from them sometimes. not be one, lol.

i overcompensate, love where i feel like hating. listening and nodding where i wish i could just put my fingers in my ears and yell LA LA LA! i don’t wanna listen to these people drivel on, it does nothing good for me, listening to this. it doesn’t build love or understanding. it just makes me feel tired and old, and only one of those things makes any sense, looking at who i am. i don’t know how people like them live with themselves. i’m not even that bad, when i think about it in my few moments of objective lucidity, and i can barely live with myself, so how the hell do they? seriously, what is their secret, i wanna know!? like, what? anything can i do to hate myself a bit less.

i have been sleeping terribly the past couple of weeks, and it’s messing with my head a little. i keep seesawing between self-flagellation to self-soothing, going from mentally beating myself up to mindlessly consuming media mostly pertaining to cats, dogs, and television shows. that leaves a little time to study and a little time to sleep. i’m not doing badly in school, i’m actually doing pretty well in two out of three classes so that’s just swell, but my mind sticks to the third, and i beat myself up more and sleep less and study frantically.

okay again, with the lucid thought, outwardly i’m doing well, except for the sleep thing. and honestly, i’m glad it’s hyposomnia versus hypersomnia. i would much rather sleep like 3 hours a night than, say, 15. i have been cooking a lot, i have kept on top of studying and homework.  in one of my classes, i’m not doing my best work, but i’ve done the calculations, lol, and if i just put a little more thought into what i study before tests/quizzes, i can boost my grade a bit, maybe score an a-.

in my environmental science class, i got a freaking 85% on my first test, which is okay, because i know she gives out a couple of little extra credit assignments. but i was so sleep deprived that i answered a few questions wrong that i really really knew the answers to, and looking at that test now i just wince.

it’s about 7pm, and i’m trying to wind down. tomorrow is supposed to be bad weather, and i’m hoping class is canceled so i have another day to study for my next test.

i just wanna say that this whole latest school shooting hit me pretty hard. it made me so deeply sad and angry at so many things, so many people. i am just trying to keep my little world together, and then reality seeps in, and i can’t pretend to be cold and objective anymore.

i’m managing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s