yeah, i don’t know..
i guess i’m back being a depressed piece of shit who makes grand declarations to be better one day and overdoses on clonazepam to sleep and blacks out, the next.
i really don’t know.
last night i really thought it was going to be it. i’m like, i wanna be dead or hospitalized by the time this night is through. and here i sit, neither. thought about even texting my therapist, but i doubted it would make anything better so i didn’t.
i don’t know how to describe the feelings i feel. have you ever overdosed on medications, fell asleep, and woke up, not sure if you are disappointed or relieved? yeah, me neither, lol.
i just feel ugly and twisted, on the inside. every way to every positive or even just rational thought is just a labyrinth that can’t be overcome, that i just don’t have the energy to traverse sometimes.
you know, it’s funny, the thing that set me off was so dumb. this girl i’ve known for years deleted me off facebook. i don’t know when and i don’t know why, but hey, its okay, my mind does. it’s because she hates me. no, that’s not believable, i’m not dynamic enough to hate. it’s just that she realized, as she saw my name pop up on her little facebook friends thing, that she just didn’t give a shit about me. that i’m just not worth being connected to in any way. and then i thought this thought, about all of the people on facebook. they all think i’m just a big piece of not-worth-mentioning.
and then of course my mind just goes into overdrive of negativity. i think about all the people, all of the so-called friends i have online, irl, everywhere, and how they never even spend a minute of their day thinking about me.
that’s one of the main reasons i get sick of being friends with people. they never give a shit about me. i think it’s going great and i do every little stupid friendly thing i can think of. but it’s for nothing. i could slit my fucking wrists and bleed out in public, all melodramatic style, and years later i would just be a somewhat sad cautionary tale for them. something they aspire to never be. they wouldn’t remember me, they would remember that last hurrah of blood. idk…
i just really hurt for no real, apparent reason. i didn’t even really like said girl on facebook very much. i never got the impression she liked me that much, either.
it just hurts, because i bust my ass trying to seem normal and kind, nice and well-adjusted, and i’m pretty sure people just end up seeing right thru it, if only in a subconscious way. i just wanna be liked. i don’t care if i’m loved, i just want people to be mildly fond of me. i can’t even freaking manage mildly fond.
today at work i spent the whole time just fuming on the inside, crying on the inside, screaming, all on the inside. on the outside, i laughed at people’s jokes and tried to make myself useful. i thought i could salvage what was left of my emotional sanity if work just went well enough. it didn’t go well enough. i’m home now, and i’m honestly thinking about how fucking shit everything is. in my little world, in the whole world, shit, shit, shit. we can go on twitter and joke about it all we want, we can have polite discussions about it all we want, but it doesn’t change the truth.
but hey, again, i don’t know.