who starts a fire just to let it go out?

today’s gonna be a long rambling day. this’ll be a long rambling post.

we went to a stupid movie called downsizing. i laughed at the moments that i think were supposed to be moving or something else. it wasn’t the worst movie i’d ever been to, but i think it was a waste of the money it cost to see it.

kelsi, my sister, met us there with her girlfriend lexi. tho my dad referred to her as her friend, after a little pause, lmao. like it’s a sensitive subject that needs to be tiptoed around. it kind of disappointed me, to be honest. once, my dad said he sometimes wished i had grown up living with him, to see how different i’d be. as if how i am now is somehow not enough for him. this whole thing with kels reminded me of that.

kelsi is technically my half-sister. her stepdad adopted her. he does more for her than her biological mom, who is an alcoholic. even though her mom didn’t want my dad in her life, he always kind of has been, though more than him, my grandparents always wanted to be a part of her life. i appreciate that about them, but once she came out, they turned on her, i feel.. she had her girlfriend over to their house while they were gone, and they got in a huge fight, and she moved out soon after. i kind of hate them for that.

so we met in the parking lot of the theater and gave her the xmas gifts, and then went and watched the movie.

my family is like a weird soap opera, i think.

also went to see nichole at the hospital. we all posed with her for photos, huddled around her, grinning, and then our faces falling a bit and moving away once the picture-taking was over. she broke her clavicle in three places, which is supposed to be like really painful. she also fractured a shoulder and legit broke the other, fractured her tibia, and et cetera with the broken bones. but her pain meds must be helping, ’cause she’s in good spirits, i think.

my grandma confessed the other night that nichole had been drinking the night she was in the accident. but we’re all supposed to pretend otherwise, lol. i suspected it deep down, but to hear it was disappointing.

i don’t know why grandma lied about nichole’s drinking to my dad and liz, why she always lies about stupid things. i feel like pretending everything’s okay and nichole was just swerving to hit a deer is just enabling nichole. my grandparents would do anything for nichole and her brother robbie, just like they often forget about me and thomas. i guess it’s just out of sight, out of mind.

now i’m partly watching the wizard of oz, drinking a glass of water, and listening to music. multitasking. waiting until it is socially acceptable to go to bed.

well, we still have to open presents later. i don’t know what anyone got me. i hate not knowing. i wanna know exactly how disappointed i’ll be, haha. no, seriously tho, i just like knowing secrets like that. plus i hate opening gifts in front of everyone. it’s so awkward. i’m not an emotive person usually, so acting surprised and excited feels so exaggerated and fake to me, and i hope my acting is good enough so it doesn’t come across that way to others.

my usual state is dry, sub-par wit and irony. but people expect you to be almost sickeningly unironic on christmas. i am grateful, i really am (#blessed), but pure unadulterated joy and thankfulness doesn’t come easily to me. what can i say? i would rather watch others open gifts than have them watch me. i could recieve a million dollars as a gift and i would probably still be so awkward and kind of lying when i said “i love it!”

i guess what i’m really trying to say is that i am a grinch who wishes christmas was just a casual holiday, like presidents day or something.

i don’t know how to feel on days like today. they really grate on me. i love my family, but i don’t like them. they’re loud, they’re brash, they always seem to get in fights with one another. i’m annoyed by stupid little things they do, they make me feel like my worst self. plus they’ve never believed in me, and i’ve obviously believed in them, as every fucking time, i think this place would be different: they might have grown, changed, as i have. but no..

yet i’ll always come back. the moral of the story is that i am stupid.

tomorrow i really wanna go downtown and take some photos of stuff, but i doubt i will. it’s just so cold outside. the high for tomorrow is going to be like 4 degrees F. plus we’re supposed to be going to my uncle joey’s house for lunch? dinner? something. that’s out in the countryside. it’ll be weird. if not, i shall make it so.

and now it’s almost 12:30AM…time got away from me. i took a shower, brushed my teeth. now i’m going to sleep. oh who am i kidding, i will probably lie awake forever.

the other night, i couldn’t stop staring at the slit of light between the door and the frame, fixated on it before i went to sleep. then the next night it was the rainbow waves of colors on the blinds from the christmas lights outside. tonight it’ll be something else.

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