music is my dead end, music’s my imaginary friend

the god of small things bookity-book is coming to a close. no spoilers here.

class is a few weeks from being done. i’m not complaining. it’s been a difficult semester to stay engaged in, despite liking the classes and wanting to succeed. i just couldn’t, completely. ohs wells. c’est la vie. it is what it is. just accept it and move on.

i’m not sure what i’m gonna be doing for xmas. i haven’t heard from my dad. lol, i guess i haven’t called him either. so i might be going to lawrence, might be staying here. probably staying here. i wish i could go to my dad’s and stay there for like a week, but i would regret it once i got there. i just don’t know how to fit into their family. the dynamic is all off with me there. like they fight too much, argue about stupid things. i hate it. i need harmony. thomas is able to ignore it pretty well, because he is cooped up in his room playing dota or whatever the kids are up to these days. i don’t know.

plus i just have crap i have to deal with here. i’m a mess, literally and figuratively.

i’m mad about everything deep down. just plain angry. and when i’m mad, i cry. talk about emotional unintelligence.

i’ve been trying to make friends at school, playing the classic sarah jokester persona. where everything’s entertaining, life is a farce. it works surprisingly well. but i’m a sucker at committing. once we’re facebook friends, i’m unlikely to make direct contact ever again. lol, i’ll like your status, but i won’t physically talk to you ever again. unless i run into you, accidentally. then i’ll be delighted. life is full of happy accidents. most people are forgettable to me, while remaining completely unforgettable. i choose to forget, i make myself forget. because i just assume most people (all people) don’t care about me as much as i care about them. the lie i tell myself is that i don’t care, that i actually hate people. but most of them, i like. but deep down i’m that invisible little girl still. so i close my eyes in kind, and i don’t see them either.

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