ever get ringing in your ears? i do, on special occasions. too much rock music as a child. it’s shrill and distant, a siren over yonder, and then it fades and fades, and then’s gone. when i was younger i thought it meant something, because i didn’t know that most things mean nothing.
i smile so much, the currency of that expression has lost its value. (it was counterfeit to begin with.) and sorries, they mean nothing. just a helpless, nervous gesture of appeasement. hands uplifted, over my head. hoping nobody looks in my direction.
i was shy as a child, of any sort of attention. positive or negative, there was no difference to me. i was wary of strangers. i always just knew they might hurt me, could hurt me if they wanted to. and i was right. though what came first, the fear or the reason behind it, i’m not even sure anymore.
when i was little i had dreams of people chasing me, always running, always turning new directions to find i wasn’t any closer to getting away. as i’ve gotten older, i have dreams of chasing others, finding myself no nearer them as the dream runs on. how things come full circle.
honestly, i’m terrified. i wish i could tell everyone in my life, in every situation, that i’m just plain scared of everything. i was that way when i was a kid, and i’m that way now. fear, my main drive. half of the good things i’ve done in my life, i did just to prove i wasn’t afraid, or prove my fears were unfounded in reality. i don’t know if they have helped assuage my fear, my actions. maybe. i’m going to keep pushing through the fear though, because what the hell else can i do? i suppose i could just live in a bubble of my own fear, not doing anything of import or worth mentioning, and to be honest that’s what i do the other half of my time, but it’s not a viable long-term solution, probably. i don’t have enough money to live in a bubble of my own fear. maybe one day. lol i’m pretty sure that’s the american dream, living in a fear bubble. america: one giant fear bubble. lmao okay thats enough.