i just want peace and harmony. kinda hard in this world. peace and harmony are things people invented to keep complacent. something to hope for. living for the weekend, and all that.
i’m not doing well. i just keep reaching for things that aren’t there. a strength i don’t have. an understanding i don’t possess.
i keep self-medicating, self-censoring. don’t want the crazy to slip out. i want help, but don’t wanna be a burden to my family. plus i’m always afraid of people knowing i need help. like they will think less of me, or worse, they just won’t care.
i just want to sleep all the time, i’m obsessed with the idea of being asleep while awake. while awake i also do practically nothing, struggling to focus on studying or anything, really.
then i sleep like shit. last night it felt like every time i tossed or turned, i woke up.
i have this picture by my desk, it’s called hope, by george frederic watts. it’s supposedly the same one nelson mandela had in his cell. it’s a simple symbolist painting, and though i usually prefer pretty abstract shapes to actual meaning, i like this one. it’s a blind woman listening to the last string of a lyre. its me, lol. so dramatic, yea, as always. but it’s what i feel. how could i let go of my emotions, even when they’re ridiculous?
i feel like i’m on the last string. and the sound is starting to ring out hollow.
i don’t have enough focus anymore to center in on the little important details. i don’t know what to do. i’m lost, i’m alone. but i don’t think anyone can help me, but me anyway, so i guess i have what i need.