i’m not prepared for anything right now. i’m so scattered, and became so without realizing it. freaking western civ. i had a test today that i missed, and tho i did well on my stupid test in my other class, i don’t even care, because i’m too worried my professor won’t let me make up this test, and i wouldn’t blame him. i messed up. and even if i did take it, again: i’m not prepared. i just wanna say screw it and give up. giving up is what i’m good at. throwing in the towel. retreat has always been a great strategy to me. not.
plus my dad called me, and as i listened to the phone ring, i thought of all the reasons i don’t wanna talk to him. how i’m not going to be at my grandma’s birthday party, how i am still taking classes and working my stupid job at the same level and at the same timely basis. i don’t know what he wants from me. what he expects other than this. what does anyone expect. lol. it’s like he doesn’t even know me, doesn’t know not to expect anything grand or extraordinary anymore. i’ve peaked.
pretty sure i was as great or notorious as i will ever be in the 4th grade. it’s like i’m some sort of freaking implosion-type device, destroying everything i was meant to, and more. now i’m just history. lmao, this journal is my death-count, the statistics of my great destructive powers. only maybe i was set off somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and just observed. isn’t that all of us, tho? do you ever get that feeling, that you’re just an experiment, just a stepping stone to an actual venture that you won’t even live to see? lol, no?
my grandpa was in the navy. he was in the bikini atoll during the nuclear testing in the late 40’s or around that time. he died of cancer, which the veterans hospital covered as like totally service-related. they told them they couldn’t drink the water, but they could bathe in it. talk about military intelligence, lmao. KIDDING ❤
it’s funny how i feel so wrapped up in responsibilities that i don’t even really feel responsible for anymore. i’m trapped in a lie of a life, but i’ve committed to it, so here i am.
read the yellow wallpaper again for class. i read it first years ago, and even back then it rang like a clear loud bell, something i could grasp, a substantial thing. i can relate to that lady in the story, smothered by reality and the hopes and expectations of myself and others. i mean, i don’t want to dramatically declare myself to be going insane in a similar fashion to the narrator in that story, but i just know i’ve been down that road of getting lost in the pattern of things.
i remember when we lived in the countryside, and i would just sit for freaking hours by myself, getting lost in minute details of my own stupid existence. i was going crazy, and nobody seemed to notice, or care, or want to notice or care. i just felt so alone, even more alone than i feel now. so that’s a positive. i’ve shown growth, ha. though i still feel rather trapped in this too small of space, my mind. i’ve always loved the saying about things being more than the sum of their parts, as i feel that is what i am, what everyone is, though some people don’t seem to notice. i feel, too, as if i’m missing parts. important, incredibly crucial parts of me are missing. on the 22nd of september, 2014, i wrote: ‘its like i’m being covertly dismantled, bit by bit.’ i still feel like that.
fine, i’ll call my dad back, then go to bed.