in your head, they are dying

congratulating yourself for coloring within lines you drew yourself. playing by the rules you made up. it’s pretty easy to say you’ve won when it is you who gets to define success.

i feel like a terrible actor. holding a smile fixed in place at the right moments. don’t laugh too hysterically, don’t then start to cry like it’s some scene in an offbeat movie. i’m a shallow, foil character. just here to make others look really together and hip in comparison.

pretend to be invincible. carry in the groceries all at once. then the big things that you fail at, the things that slip from your grasp, don’t seem as memorable.

i’m getting kind of overwhelmed by things. i’m trying though. i’ll get through it. my presentation went well.

i should probs call my dad. my grandma’s 75th birthday is on the 21st of october. i can’t go, but i sort of wish i could. then a part of me is glad i can’t go. it’s complicated.

good thing tho: had my first exam of the semester today, and it went really well, i feel. great stuff.


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