illusion dressed in a fantasy

my mind isn’t my own lately. you know that feeling when you really really wanna like something but you just can’t? you are in a place, and want to enjoy yourself, but your mind won’t shut up and enjoy? it’s like me and game of thrones. shit example, but whatever. there is just too much going on in the show. funny, as i read the books, but the show, i just refuse (NO, my mind refuses) to get into. i’m just not in the game. ha game. game of thrones. lol.

and armela. i would call her one of my best friends, though i know that is rather piteous as she has like a million friends outside of work, and she probably doesn’t consider me a best friend. that actually makes me really sad as i write it. what am i, 12, that i care about best friends. but i have had very few friends in my life. what can i say? TRUST ISSUES.

but i can’t find a good reason to text her or call her or tag her in anything stupid. ever since she quit, i have felt like i lost something. for the first week after she was gone, i was in a terrible mood, and couldn’t decide, or admit, why. i had a short temper, which is unusual for me, and i found myself annoyed by everyone. i’m still annoyed. i really just want to be something other than i am. but at the same time, paradoxically, i just want to be who i am. i want to be in the moment, present, and ready to read a fucking book or call a friend. i feel so inadequate to do either.

my mom’s friend marina’s mother killed herself by hanging a few days ago.

sometimes i think bad people like me create our own hells for ourselves before we die.

i still feel like the same little girl, crying by herself at night.

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