i’ve been really depressed lately. i’m just tired of everything.
i’ve been cutting my legs up again. i cry myself to sleep every night. i look up ld50 of all of my meds, of all of the meds in the cupboard.
it’s like a sick joke now, funny-til-you-cry. that anyone, including me, thought i would ever get out of this place. i’m the same person i’ve always been. i’ve been deluding myself into thinking people cared about me, people loved me, people could love me.
the thing is, i’ve always known i was going to die alone. the only thing that has ever held me back was the detrimental effect on my family my death would have. i would rather just disappear, no body, nothing to cry over.
i don’t know who to talk to over this, what to say to them. i wish wish wish nameless would just appear and understand, and just tell me that it would be okay, and i would believe him. but that’s never going to happen. i carry a torch for a fucking useless ghost.
my mom was right when she said i had always been a disappointment. no one knows it better than me.
i’m still not going to kill myself. i work tomorrow. today in the meeting with a corporate guy, i smiled as i told him my morale was in the green range, versus the red.
i have a life, people i need to please. i don’t want to go out like this.