when i showed you the dark inside of me, in spite of me

the feeling sidled up to me outside the restaurant in cancun as i cried. it quietly suggested that everything was for nothing, that nothing had worth.

i sometimes forget i am a person and not just an observer of other people.

that’s the worst feeling, being reminded you are just another person. such a shit excuse for a person..

no one loves me for who i am. nobody looks at me and says “never change.” i don’t even look at myself that way. why do i even care anymore? i am convinced that hope is the greatest evil the world has ever faced.

i took about ten clonazepam today. i’m going to sleep. part of me doesn’t want to wake up. the only real part, past all the niceties and politeness and care.

when i was younger, i thought if i travelled far enough, saw enough, i would be magically cured of all my ills. but i carry them with me, they are my foundation. i am the problem. and you can’t escape yourself. whatever.

tomorrow is a new day. hope, there it is again. keeping me going through the motions.

 

 

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