i feel like i’m fading.
holidays wear heavy on me. like cold, heavy, awkward jewelry, wrapped around my throat.
like decorations on a rapidly dying tree.
every year gets a little more bitter with the sweet. the taste gets a little more overbearing.
either it’s with family, and i’m wrapped in a deep awareness of how alone i am even with them, so caught up in some abysmal reality instead of the one they seem to walk in. i focus too much on minor details until there are millions of them and i just want to get away to something simpler. that or i’m hunched over in other memories. other times. always something other tho.
in the other holidays, i’m alone, and everything bears down the same but i’m also alone so i can just cope with it, alone. i don’t need to put up some stupid front. i still do, but at least it’s allowable for it to be a bit fragile and haphazardly spun upon close inspection.
this year it was the latter for thanksgiving. i was going to go up to minnesota over the weekend to celebrate with family, but i work instead. i would have been happy to not go, but working it seems like another feather heavier, and it is too much. well, not quite, but almost.
every year on thanksgiving we decorate wreaths for winter, of grapevines and evergreen and bittersweet vines. it was fun when i was young. it’s lost its appeal, gotten more and more dull as the years have gone on.
so this year nothing marked the actual day. i briefly thought about what i was thankful for. i realized it’s not a thing, a possession, thankfulness. it’s an emotion. and i don’t possess it right at this moment. i am ungrateful at this time. but i’m hopeful at least, that tomorrow may hold better things.