an addiction to the slumber, of disconnection and the resonance of memory

i work tomorrow then i’m off until saturday. i do not have class tomorrow.

class was funny yesterday. we talked about gender and sexuality. mostly gender tho.

she had us line up, all the women, in a row, ranked from most feminine to least. they decided to rank me second to most feminine out of ten people, which was weird to me. they said it was because i was wearing makeup. but the reason i wear makeup is because i do not feel feminine often on the inside, so i try to force it on my outward appearance. i feel like people treat me better when i look prettier, and studies have shown that wearing makeup applied well makes people think of you as more competent and serious or something like that. plus it’s artistically enjoyable. it’s like a ritual to me now.

so that was surprising to me, that people saw me that way. i was pleased but slightly felt like they misunderstood me. but i suppose gender is a sort of social construct, so it is how others perceive you, and how you present yourself, not how you perceive yourself.

i’m in a good mood today, though i don’t wanna work saturday. i have a pit of dread in my stomach over it. it will probs dissipate on the day of, i hope.

lynn asked me what i wanna work while we don’t have markdowns, and i’m thinking of saying i wanna cut back and just work cash office. at the same time tho i wanna make money. who knows, maybe i could stock too, and ask not to be called to register? who knows what he would say to that.

brent didn’t get the job in montana. i don’t feel any disappointment. i just feel a kind of sting for him. i know it’s hard not to take the rejections personally, and feel like you’re never going to get another job or get to a better place. so that sucks. plus thinking of the possibility of a new location was a little thrilling, so that is gone now. now what do i think about?


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