words are futile devices

i wrote these notes on July 14 and had them in my google drive thingy, here’s to saving the written word and keeping a stupid record! i was depressed and just typing to look busy :

F8

Other people seem so organized and together from afar.

I regret so many things. Doing, saying so many things. Just stay silent and still. If i did, i would probs regret that too.

Hiding from it all.

Sitting here listening to halves of halves of conversations, small portions of words exchanged.

I’m so jaded yet feel so fragile at the same time. I bet this is what it is to feel old. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for a very long time.

I’m fading fast. Nothing goes how i want it. I feel as though my entire life i have just been trying to force how i want things to be but it never works. In elementary school, i felt like the interloper, nobody wanted me in the room. That feeling has been slowly creeping back into my life. I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be me. Lol. i thought i could run from my problems but then i realized the problem was me. And you can’t run from yourself forever. Believe me, for as long as i’ve been self-aware, i have tried. And here i am, alone in the computer lab, crying. I don’t need judgement, i carry it with me. It’s in every step i take. It’s in every thought that goes through my mind.

You can’t hold grudges. Not in this life. Grudges are a luxury, i think.

I can count on one hand the amount of times i have been sincerely hopeful.

i wish i were talking to someone right now. This is me, talking. 

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