we’re not always what we promised to be

i’m not a spiritual or particularly superstitious person. i am pretty paranoid on occasion, but that’s a different thing, more based in reality than a perception of it, i guess. or that might just be my own pathetic attempt at rationalization.

but i think the human brain is exceptionally good at seeing patterns in random crap life throws at it, and my thing is foxes.

when i was at my dad’s one summer, i ran away after a fight with him and liz, a usual thing. i was always a bad fit there, we always fought over something stupid. and i always ended up walking away, or running, as it may be. there i was, walking at a pretty fast pace down the sidewalk, trying to hold back tears while i seethed in anger, and i almost fucking tripped over a skinny, small red fox as it ran across the sidewalk and into the woods. it wasn’t a healthy looking fox, i remember. it looked rather a malnourished, sad thing. i remember feeling bad for it but feeling worse for myself  😦

when i was living in boone, what should i see at four or five in the morning, dashing across my path through the sparse snow blowing around? a red fox. i remember this because i was exceptionally down that day. i was basically addicted to xanax, failing most of my classes, and beginning to realize that i had blacked out whole chunks of days because of taking too many freaking pills. it was nearing finals, and i couldn’t even hide my pain from rachel, who i had ditched because it was getting too hard to fake happiness. i got up early and left my apartment to walk around and cry, and after a bit i called my mom, to just hear a nice voice. i saw the fox on my way back to my apartment, and i remember being so surprised at it because it was so gorgeous i thought i was crazy for a moment. it’s akin to liz’s story about seeing a mountain lion, it just doesn’t sound quite true, it’s so surreal to me.

and today, just a quiet, average, rather boring day, i keep seeing the word kitsune, meaning fox, around. in japanese mythology, they are the usual tricksters, witch animals, goblins. well, i first saw it yesterday in some random youtube tutorial as a mask, then in a song album on pandora. it’s nothing, it’s stupid, but a stupid, nothing part of me likes to think there is some meaning or significanace behind it, ha. i would never really admit that i really think there is meaning/significance, but i wish i could believe there was. it would be a beautiful world where red foxes were guardians/omens/warnings/whatever superstitious nonsense i can muster, but i don’t think the world is simple enough for it to come down to that. isn’t a fox amazing enough to be just that: a fox?


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