i’m working myself into a blur of movement. my last day off was june 24th. class is going like shit, as always. i’m cash office queen, counting money that i cannot keep, living the low-key glamorous life as an accountant for dummies. i want to be happy, i strive to be happy. i pretend everyday that at the end of it, i will be smiling, happy. but i’m not nor have i ever been happy, that i can recall.. no, there were moments, mere glimmers, but that’s so ephemeral that i cannot even say if it was real or not. my mother asks me why i say i have been struggling lately, in what way, and i just shake my head and look at her, then walk away. how do i explain?? i’ve been cutting myself again, small, secret little little cuts on my thigh, as if it will help. i’m regressing and regressing until i am nothing but a bloody mess.