i just can’t stand to see you drown

i had my first water color class this morning. it went pretty well, though i often doubt i’ll ever be really confident in my abilities. oh well, i guess that means i’ll just keep challenging myself to do better at it. or i’ll just give up one day. who knows? like i told my mom: i have my whole life to improve. i guess that shows i’m a little more hopeful about the future and don’t see it as such a malevolent, ever-present threat.

my birthday came and went. received some great gifts from my mom.

we went up to minnesota for the weekend after to my grandma’s auction. we got some awesome stuff, including my mother’s childhood bed, which is really beautiful and i’m really happy she got, because i bet she would regret it if she hadn’t bid on it. i had a really hard time there though. i just feel like everyone on that side of the family prefers my brother to me. then my dad’s side of the family always preferred nichole and robbie over me and thomas. i guess it’s because we live far away and robbie and nichole are under their thumbs still. it’s all about control. i don’t really want them in my life, and this is just one of the reasons. i always feel like i have to fight for people’s affections, and i hate that idea, so i just give up on it and cut people out.. i assume i will fail at it all and people will end up just thinking of me as a burden or a disappointment. i will never get why my family puts up with me at all. i think it all boils down to this: my insecurity about people preferring others to me has always been there because frankly i prefer almost anyone else to me deep down in my heart a lot of the time.

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