and i see all the things you do; but what you do will comeback on you

tonight went down okay. corporate drones are landing in tomorrow so we did a lot of detailed recovery, which basically means we made shit look really nice. shauna worked, cinthia worked, amanda worked, jim, dee, and ali. mike was the closing manager. i felt ambivalent like usual. the anxiety gets to me. like i worry what everyone thinks and i worry that i’m not friendly enough with the customers. also i get these thoughts of inadequacy where nothing i do is good enough to please my standards. ugh and then there’s that hyper-vigilant dread in the back of my mind that some unknown simply BAD thing will occur and i won’t be able to handle it. i wish i could watch doctor who but i’m almost out of episodes. i should start classic who but i’m unsure about it. i just started attack on titan on netflix and it’s really good so far. surprisingly graphic and sad though so i’m not sure if it’s good for everyday as those bad feelings about death and loss sometimes remind me of past shit and it all bleeds over into the night and i have bad dreams. i hope tomorrow is better. i don’t work until tuesday and then i’m off the rest of the week weirdly enough. so it’s all good. today was also my dad’s birthday. i called him up after work and we talked for a while. i actually really miss them. i have a weird relationship with my dad and his wife as per usual i always find a way to mess situations up and make waves. i love them dearly though. and my brother thomas lives up there too and i love him as well and think he’s awesome. he’s sixteen. i can’t believe it sometimes. hell, he will be 17 come june 12th. and on june 3 i will be 22. ugh. not looking forward to that. i’ve thought about removing my birthday from facebook so no one mentions it. i just feel too young for how old i am. the only two things i’m really proud of doing are going to kenya and going skydiving. and skydiving wasn’t even an ordeal or anything. the rest of it is just a wash of mostly mediocre accomplishments. oh well. i’ll get there.

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