there’s nothing you can do that i haven’t tried

i had test two tonight. i don’t think i did so well. if i did poorly i think i will ask danielle to tutor me or give me more tips on studying. i’m really down. last night i cried myself to sleep. a few years ago my uncle john (a really intelligent, interesting guy) emailed me or messaged me on facebook or something about how he was feeling very alone and kind of down about it and wanted to know if i wanted to be pen pals kind of deal. i didn’t reply for a long time because i was feeling very isolationist and down, per usual, and i didn’t know what to say. he came up in conversation yesterday as we were talking about the smart people in our family and how cool he was, and i had to go to the bathroom and cry. it wasn’t just that though. it was just a trigger for everything lately. my older brother hates me, my younger brother has passed me by in terms of maturity and responsibility and just pure ease of coping with life. i just feel like a failure and a joke and remembering john made me feel even more inadequate as that was, i think, one of the main reasons i didn’t reply for so long to him: i don’t think i am worthy in a way to be friends with someone so smart. his wife died a while back and that just makes me feel all the worse. i told my mom about it yesterday after we got home from brent’s parents’ house and she kind of scoffed at the way i internalize things that happened so long ago, how i hold on to the hurts so well. but i cannot help feeling bad. well, i probs could if i tried harder. and i will. but now i’m just sad about my class because i like the professor so well and it sucks i cannot do better for her sake. oh well. time for a clonazepam and then bed. i got new sheets, dark grey with white flowers all over them, and a new duvet & cover from ikea: white with dark grey floral, and i love them both. the stupid duvet got all bunched up in the cover, but i don’t care enough to bother. whatever. i’m done with thinking now.

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