hold heart, don’t beat so loud

i keep having nightmares. my grandpa is in the hospital with pneumonia. i’m not sure what i feel. if he died i would be incredibly sad, but i’m not sure if i would like to go to the funeral. there are a lot of people that would be there that i no longer want much contact with. this weekend we went to ks city to see julie and her girls. they were competing like usual. it was nice seeing them but i wish we had more time to just talk. julie made a comment about how special adam was and how you could just tell that he was on his own great path. i felt really sad at that. what kind of stupid path am i on? ugh the thoughts in my head are just twisted and decomposed right now from this one offhand thing someone said. it shouldn’t matter, but it feels like it does. i just keep thinking of nameless again and wish i could just dream about him but every time it is just me chasing him, him always behind another door, in another room. and that is my life. that is the way it will always be with me and him. always in other rooms, other places, other worlds. i just want to let go but i can’t.

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