i once saw a book with a note written to a ‘blue-eyed sonata’. i cried. i’m so terrified of the future. of failing, of not trying hard enough because i’m just so exhausted and exhausting. i know now that pain follows wherever you go. some places make it worse. like kenya. the love those people showed me made me feel worse for not loving back, for not trusting back. i feel like a blind person in a minefield. i’m terrified to take a step in this darkness.