i built your walls around me

well i was accepted to iowa state. lol i figured i would be. they would probably accept a corpse if it was able to get student loans. i guess i’m happy. i had to decide to be though.

we are going to board lucy at the vet we usually go to instead of the resort thing. we know them and know for sure we can trust them.

tomorrow at 7am we’re flying to NYC. i like planes. well, they’re not the most glamorous things. ugh and anywhere sucks if you spend more than a few hours just sitting there. i think we have a connecting flight through either minneapolis or chicago. lol i should probably figure that out. i didn’t get the tickets, this wasn’t my idea.

we’re going to a baseball game of course. yankees against the giants perhaps? i should probably figure that out too. my first live baseball game, ever. i prefer teeball. i find the frequency in which the children miss the ball sitting stationary in front of them hilarious. i think baseball would be hilarious if the players were much less athletically gifted. more relatable.

i’m not as psyched as i should be about this trip. i’ve been there before, and it was neat, but i’m just not in an excitable mood. it’ll probably hit me when we get there, hopefully like a train. i want something exciting. lately, i’ve just been feeling really off-kilter. i think it’s just anxiety. something feels wrong and i’ve been especially agitated.

i’m proud though, that i’m actually slowly reading a book. i wanna gain back that part of myself. the sarah who had to have her books taken away from her at night so she wouldn’t stay up and read. the sarah who used to read three books at once. the cool sarah, haha. sarah, the insufferable nerd. yeah. imma stop talking about myself in the third person now.

i am pushing off vacuuming the house again. i just vacuumed last week. i don’t want to. but i said i would, so here we go.

 

 

i wonder where my limit lies

we brought lucy to the vet, and her bloodwork was good. she is back to eating normally. she still has problems with stairs, but that is okay.

she is going to board at a pet resort thing while we’re in new york. we’re leaving friday. they monitor the pets 24/7 and give whatever meds the animal needs. they have beds and toys and the dogs get three walks a day if wanted. we don’t even care about the price. it’s paying for peace of mind. even with the resort, it will be scary leaving her behind.

i applied at iowa state. it’s a big school. i’m kind of bummed about it. i don’t want to go there, at all. i suppose i could start with online classes. i don’t really enjoy online classes, not enough interaction with other students and the professor, but i might give it a shot.

my mood has been kind of bad the last few days. i start out the day all hyper and bubbly, and then something in me snaps, and the rest of the day i’m really irritable and high-strung. the littlest things put me on edge. i find myself clenching my jaw a lot.

i ranted to nafees about everything and then apologized. he is too nice though, and said he appreciated me sharing my thoughts. hahaha, i don’t deserve his niceness. i gotta get over that insecurity though.

i really want to meet him. i would even go to pakistan. i was talking to one of my managers this morning, and i asked him where he was from originally, out of curiosity. he is from iran. elaheh, one of my favorite coworkers, is also from iran, i think shiraz maybe?? anyway, obv pakistan shares a border with iran, and though the area i’d plan on going isn’t near the border, i mentioned to my manager that i had an idea to go. he was excited at the idea, and said i should swing through iran too, haha, and that i would enjoy it. i seriously would love that, though i’d be a little nervous as i would probs be by myself or god forbid with my mom.

i shot the pakistan idea past my mom, and she, of course, insisted that she would go with me. i had the urge to scowl. i just want to do something by myself for once. something all my idea, all mine. i don’t need her tagging along my whole life. i know pakistan is different than new york, but she trusted tyler to go there on a whim, with no place to even live for the first few weeks, and so she should trust me. ugh though i gotta admit, it’s not just about trusting me. it’s about trusting the world. it’s a dangerous place. but i figure that’s just part of the package. gotta take the good with the bad, or you get neither. you get nothing out of life.

the biggest fear i have about the journey is rejection. i don’t want nafees to meet me and be like, jk, i don’t think you’re that great. i don’t want to regret going.

if i did go, it would be next year, though i wish i didn’t have to wait that long.

brent may get a job soon, and i want the dust to settle from that before i make any big leaps.

adam is officially living in minneapolis. the couple of times he visited here before he left, i didn’t see him. so i might not see him for a while. oh well, there’s always the phone i suppose. lol as if i’m going to use a phone 😂

yeah, travel halfway around the world to see someone i’ve never met. but use a phone? that’s too much of a commitment.

i have waited with a glacier’s patience

my days are a mindless routine. i wake up waay to early, check for messages. fall back asleep. wake up waay too late. check for messages. go downstairs. take my meds. walk lucy. i fill the rest of the time with empty, boring chores and try to read and write and be some sort of productive. i watch snippets of episodes online, getting bored or impatient partway through. i walk lucy multiple times. i do laundry. i clean. i vacuum. i try to fill the hours. is this it? i try to finish up everything before 4, when i feed lucy. then i wait for the parents to get home. if there is a baseball game on i hang around a while to make fun of the players, look at their stats online, make brent guess how tall each of them is, what city they were born in. then i make fun of them more. i’m a simple soul, i like to make fun of people.

i go upstairs after bringing lucy outside one last time for the night. she is having a hard time getting up the stairs lately (the vet thinks this is because of her bad sight) and we are having to mix her food with special freeze-dried mixer stuff because she won’t finish her food otherwise. i coax her up the stairs, feeling low the whole while, at how cruel time is. she settles down in her bed eventually. i send off some messages. i eventually dwindle off to sleep.

my days are being eaten up by nothingness. i’m bored, existentially. i’m trying to be dramatic here. it’s not that bad. i’m just in a rut. i need to find something to complete me, asap. ok that’s dramatic as well.

i am having a bit of a hard time dealing with lucy getting older. she is almost 16. she may already be 16 and i may be in denial. for a lab, this is an especially impressive age. she is doing well for that age too. the worst thing is her blood sugar and her sight. she has a really hard time getting up into the car so it breaks my heart a little bit every time we bring her to the vet.

we’re going off to new york in a couple of weeks. i will worry about her while we are there. we’re having her board at a dog daycare place. it’s really nice and everything, but they don’t know her. i worry about them feeding her too much or not enough or not walking her, or her being lonely or scared. everything is painful about her in my mind right now. bittersweet.

bittersweet is a great word. it can be used to describe so much in life.

now i gotta wait around and watch you burn so bright

i wasn’t accepted at the school i really wanted to attend. i’m not going to let this ruin my day or week though. they jerked me around forever deciding whether to accept me with my shaky past, and i felt like shit for it. i feel like i’m in limbo again, but i’m not going to cry over this. there are other schools. i’ll be okay.

my mom said it might be for the best as we’re sort of in limbo about moving, too. it all depends if my stepdad lands a job. so if i started school and then they moved, that would suck. he has interviews lined up in minneapolis and washington d.c.

out of the two i would like to live in minneapolis more, because my little bro is about to move up there. plus it’s just a nice city. but d.c. is like 4 hours from nyc, and that’s where my other brother lives. so either one would be cool.

the only annoyance i really have pertains to my dad, as he will be upset if he hears i’m moving. i haven’t spoken to him in a while. not on purpose. it’s not like he’s called me either. i am just really distracted from everything. i feel like i’m being pulled in a few different directions at once. i don’t know what the future holds at this point.

my mood’s been kind of all over the place lately, with everything. it’s up, then it’s down, then it’s up again. tiny things, little words change my entire perspective.

 

i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.

 

 

fact isn’t what you see, not anymore

i keep cycling through being overjoyed & optimistic, and depressed, paranoid, and irritable.

i don’t know what is going on in my mind. i feel really frustrated and nervous and scared, but also happy, satisfied, and at peace. i don’t know how to describe it. my anxiety is killing me i think.

i haven’t really been eating much. i feel shaky and tired.

things are going better than expected. only time will tell how everything will turn out. for now, i’m going to continue the emotional rollercoaster that is my existence, and hope really hard that things turn out.

there’s a ten hour time difference between us, but me and nafees talk everyday pretty much, somehow. it’s like we’ve fallen back into the closeness we had when we were younger, easily. and it’s even easier now. we both have smart phones and can message each other instantly instead of using a glitchy poetry website to communicate. it’s nice.

it’s the fourth of july and i’m sick of listening to illegal fireworks going off to celebrate freedom. like, it is legal to buy them in the city but illegal to set them off. america makes sense so little sometimes. i’m off to bed ~~

killing it with close inspection. killing it can only make it worse, it sort of makes it breed

i’m avoiding my mom. haven’t talked to her or even seen her since she came home. what’s the point? she’s not going to apologize, and i’m not going to apologize. not this time. i always end up apologizing to people just to get rid of the whole situation. i take the blame. i remember when i was little, and i learned the word scapegoat. i remember thinking, ‘that’s me’. i just let the blame rain down on me. i was once literally told that i had ruined christmas. lolol. and i was what, 12? and i believed it for the longest time, that i was the bad kid, the troubled child. fuck, i still half believe it. and now i’m the bad adult, the troubled adult. i miss being a troubled child. no….. i don’t. back then when people told me what i was, i believed them. no matter how terrible or contrary to reality it was. and although their words still echo through my head forever, i’m believing the words less and less.

still, i have that stupid feeling where tears are just beneath the surface. like if anyone asked me if i was okay, i would start bawling. i am okay though. i’m totally okay. this too shall pass.