so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:

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the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.

 

born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

a night in search of a day

my mom’s friend from work is raising 5 kittens whose mom was hit by a car. they are about 4 weeks old now. so like the good person my mom is, she offered to take two to foster. but after my mom’s friend took care of them for a couple of days, she decided she would be okay feeding them on her own. i was sort of disappointed. i love taking care of kittens. it’s hard because you have to feed them every few hours, but it is so rewarding to see them grow and thrive so quickly.

the packing process continues. my stepdad left for DC yesterday. he won’t be back to iowa most likely as a resident. it’s up to me and my mom to take care of everything. stressful..

my mom has a job interview on wednesday in virginia at a hospital. the downside of it is that it wouldn’t be a federal job and if she ever wanted to go back into the VA system she would have to jump through the same hoops that she had at the beginning. the upside is that it isn’t a VA hospital. a big no offence, but veterans have a tendency to be rather…demanding. there are a lot of vietnam war-age veterans who are totally bigoted: racist, sexist; drug & alcohol addicted. also, most importantly, they are often non-compliant with treatment. you would think they would take orders better. the vets aren’t all bad obviously, but often a bad impression can overwhelm a bunch of good ones. just like most people meet one good veteran and assume all of them are heroes deserving of the utmost regard. in reality, like every group, veterans are quite a mixed bag.

the current political situation in the US has me cynical and irritated. where i’m usually non-confrontational, i just want to yell at someone about it all.

my stepdad voted for trump, and i’m not even mad. i’m just deeply disappointed. i want to blame him and people like him: the rich, the sheltered. the self-serving, privileged, persecution-complex riddled few who doublethink things like love thy neighbour and deport all immigrants without mercy.

what the fuck kind of thoughts even go through their minds? ‘jesus loves, jesus saves, so i sure as hell don’t have to????!’

i get tired of trying to be the bigger person and forgive people when i don’t even follow an ideology that goes on and on about it. and it hurts, because i forgive others for things i would never let slide when it comes to me. it feels unfair of me.

obviously i’m not perfect, but at least i’m self-aware enough to see my flaws, where certain other people just seem to glide through life without a stress in the world about their actions or inactions. i sometimes believe that people should be constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance, they should be torn on what the right thing to do is, all the time. there should be no hard and fast rules to cheat your way through life on. life, as complex and multi-layered as it is, should not be simple, no matter how much we all wish it were sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it’s mine

it’s 7:30am. i’ve been awake since 2:50 because i’m stupid and i thought to myself that it was close enough to daylight to get up. soo like the diva i aspire to be, i put on makeup and did my hair, twiddled my thumbs for a couple of hours, and around 4:45 fed and walked lucy. she has been doing good. still won’t go upstairs, though we haven’t really tried because we don’t want to stress her out. we definitely know it’s her sight tho, so that’s not too bad. she gets around fine, no mobility issues otherwise. plus she’s been eating well, her weight is steady. i’m rationalizing tho. she’s pretty old and will die eventually. i really hope it isn’t this year though. selfish of me, but i wouldn’t be able to handle her death and moving and everything together. i don’t ever want to have to handle her death though 😦

we have her bed in the living room now instead of in my room, and have still been taking turns sleeping on the couch every night. lol the cats lay on her bed all the time. as soon as she gets up from it, ari pops up out of nowhere and goes and lays on it. annoyingly for lucy, ari also likes to lay behind the chair in the exact place lucy likes to lay. i think he’s just obsessed with her. as everyone should be.

i wish i knew what lucy was like as a puppy. we’ve had her since she was three.

i don’t have much planned for today. i’m going to clean and pack more. my mom is home so we will probably end up shopping.

lol my bro adam texted me for once, sending good vibes my way. don’t know what the hell is the matter with him. he might be dying.

man, i scrolled through my twitter feed earlier. it is mostly composed of journalists and satirists and the kind of people who swarm around wars and try to make sense of them. i love it. it is stupid chaos, which is fun, but can be overwhelming after a short time.

ooh and i bought a book called “And Then God Created The Middle East and Said ‘Let There Be Breaking News'” by karl sharro.

it’s pretty damn funny. i’ve been trying to find more reasons to laugh at the world. it can be difficult.

i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in. it’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.

 

i fell in love with a war. nobody told me it ended

last night i slept in the living room with lucy because she won’t climb the stairs. well more like can’t. her sight is too bad.

tonight it’s the same. it makes me extremely sad.

i don’t know what to do about anything. i’m in a rut that i doubt i will get out of for a good while. i barely work anymore because i assumed i was going to be starting school again soon. so much for that. and now that i’m moving, i may have to wait even longer, because out-of-state tuition is often crazy for state schools and i doubt at this point i could get into a good private school. the only thing i have going for me is a high ACT score and that doesn’t even make a dent in my terrible school record. i am already looking at schools, but i am just getting ahead of myself because the immediate future looks so shitty/scary to me. i honestly just want to bury my head in the sand. i am so frustrated and sad tonight, with everything.

i don’t even know what i’m crying about anymore. i’m just going to try and read or watch something. or maybe i’ll just try to sleep. yeah.